life sucks

Many people do not really know my whole story and recently a little girl named Ella McNellie, a family friend, passed away from cancer, she was seven years old and was an angel on earth, there was not one person she met that wouldn't smile or have their day brightened by this little girl. When I found out that she had passed away i couldn't stop crying, it wasn't fair that she passed so young and her family will now miss her. 

<3 Ella Kathryn McNellie 10/21/2004-12/21/2011 <3

Ella passing opened up a very deep wound in me, I don't talk about what I went through very often, and it is both easy and hard at times. My mother suggested that I start writing about things, that it might make it easier for me to get over feeling guilt over still being alive. Survivors guilt is a strong and powerful thing to have to deal with and it is not easy. The best thing to do for those that have died is to live your life to the fullest and to live your life in memory for them. 

In another saddening turn, there have been a lot of deaths in my area, over the summer three boys, still in high school, crashed and died. Two of the boys were brothers and I am friends with their sister Isis. It hit the family really hard because the third boy was their cousin. A lot of the deaths have been senseless and meaningless, the teenagers here still do the same stupid stuff and think that they are invincible. 

I am tired of seeing the obits that are in my towns paper, its too saddening and I wish that it would stop happening, but again life sucks.

The hardest thing to see is a child dying, its even harder when you see them in a coffin. I broke down and could not stop crying. Her father Chad told me to think about that she wasn't in pain anymore. Ella looked like a doll. I went to her funeral mass as well as her wake, but there was no way that I could see her put in the ground. Just thinking about her makes me ball like a baby because it hurts so much. In March, on the 16th, I will be cancer free and considered cured. Its been a long road and one that will continue for the rest of my life, with doctors appointments and check ups, and i would do anything to have traded places with Ella, so that she could live the life that got cut so short. I have gotten to live part of my life, and it was more then she was allowed. I do not have the strongest faith, but I have to believe that Ella is looking down on us today.

I stayed at my boyfriends for new years, and on new years eve I remembered Ella and balled again. I had fun over the holiday but am glad to be home, my sister is due to have her baby any day now and its my first niece. I have three nephews from my oldest sister and this is my middle sisters first child.